Preparing for High (& Middle) School - Demystifying the Process of Preparing Your Child (and You

For parents, one of the biggest struggles is identifying how involved to get and in which situations...

The idea of not advocating for your child conjures images at best of overworked, stressed kids and teens faced with insurmountable mounds of homework and unattainable standards of school/life balance (extracurriculars, volunteer work, and so forth… The list is never-ending!); at worst, the images in the media are terrifying and daunting with most prominent among them recent films such as the highly talked about, “13 Reasons Why” and other imagery. Among the most frequently asked questions at my practice by parents include questions about homework (Is it too much? Do I enforce a bedtime even if the work isn’t done? Should I be helping my child with work or even reaching out to the school on their behalf?), screentime/technology (how much is too much, etc.), and peer relationships (Do I make plans for my child if they are not initiating them? Should I force my child to meet in person with friends rather than the constant interaction on the phone? Should I be in touch with the parents of the other kids my child associates with, and when there is conflict should I handle it on my child’s behalf when I see them in tears? If they are distressed, how will I know if they are being bullied versus navigating painful peer interactions that are within the typical range of what is to be expected? Is it normal to experiment with drugs, alcohol, and sex at a younger age these days, and if I set limits will my child be a pariah?). We will tackle many of these individually in future articles, but for now we will focus on more general tools and concepts to smooth the transition to high school (and much here applies to middle school as well, so feel free to keep reading).

First, take a minute and write down some thoughts, words, feelings you associate with middle school… If you are reading this together with your t(w)een have them do the same. Do the same for High School…

Are the words, thoughts, and feelings for these similar or different? Think back yourself to what it was like to adjust to middle school and ask your teen to recall as well; how did you prepare?

What have you each heard about High School?

Did either of you have words/phrases like: scary, different, worried, excited, nervous, "a lot of work," pressure, fun… etc.? Compare expectations, fears, hopes, and things about which each of you are most excited.

Most people going into high school associate it with words like, “Bigger and Faster.”

Throughout this overview of the top six among the major parts of the High School transition that affect social-emotional well-being and mental health, it is crucial that parents and students alike stay present with the number one rule: BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND BE PATIENT! Change, even good change, can be stressful for everyone.

Major Areas for the Transitioning Student to Consider

(This is also Step 1 for parents - review this with your child):

1.) Peers/Friends

When it comes to beginning high school, even when you’ve spent your life with the same group of kids advancing from kindergarten up through this point and have a solid group, “squad,” clique, dyad, or any other way of classifying a tight-knit collection of friends, transitioning to high school carries with it:

Advantages: There can be more people to choose from, so it’s possible you may meet more people with similar interests or even fun differences. You may also get to remain with great friends you have a special history and lots of memories with.

Challenges: Meeting new people can feel intimidating. Does having new friends mean you have to lose the old ones? What happens if you and your current friends don't like the same people?

Gossip and Rumors - Be aware and prepared, but don't let these take over.

Crushes - Crushes are nothing new; this was a part of elementary school, even. But the nature of these relationships may change with time. How have you dealt with these feelings in the past?

What to do when friends fight - Give some thought to your experiences navigating this... How involved have you gotten in the past, and what seems appropriate going forward? How would you like friends to be there for you? Would they provide support without jumping in the middle of the argument?

2.) Choices

There are many choices in High School. Friends, classes, clubs, workload, after-school activities and weekends, how to keep yourself healthy, drugs and alcohol, etc.

What else? Have you thought about what decisions you would like to see yourself make? If you have trouble making some decisions, think about who can you ask for help.

3.) Self-Esteem

Part of healthy self-esteem is taking good care of yourself. This includes making good choices for your body and your mind.

Boundaries - What does this even mean? There are emotional and physical boundaries, there are healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries (rigid or diffuse vs. flexible). Learning about your boundaries and how you'd like to choose to set them going forward is a crucial step.

Self-care: Self care is exactly what it sounds like, and we engage in it often without even realizing it has a name. Self-care is absolutely crucial, particularly when going through a big transition like this!

How do we care for our selves? Some of the basics include: sleep, food, exercise, schedules, friends, family, outside interests, relaxation, communication, setting healthy goals: short and long-term, and breathing. The last one is extra crucial; learn to breathe the "right" way by putting your hand on your belly button and noticing how upon inhaling your stomach seemingly fills with air like a balloon, and when you exhale picture letting the air out of the balloon. Make mindful (present in the moment) breathing a regular practice.

Part of self care is learning about how our thoughts in any given situation create our feelings, and based on our thoughts and feelings we make decisions about how we act; that is: Thoughts = Feelings = Behaviors! Even when it doesn't seem like it, we can read any given situation many different ways, and we have complete control over those thoughts! This means we can change how we feel about and how we respond to any situation.

Dealing with stress, sadness, loss, anger - How do you typically navigate each of these?

Some Additional Solutions/Techniques for Healthy Coping: communication, challenge thoughts, distract, relaxation training, etc.

4.) Bullying vs. Unkind Behavior

What’s the difference? Though it may sound basic, most people don't realize these are not the same and as a result some people in true distress don't get the help they need; on the other hand, it also can lead to missing out on opportunities to get good at solving friendship struggles.

Give thought to how you might deal with this in the future if it ever happens to you or someone you care about.

Figure out who can help.

Has it happened in the past? What did you do to deal with it then? Did you feel good about those choices?

Find out what are your school’s resources and protocols to deal with bullying.

5.) Parents/Adults:

Do they help or hinder? Most parents are doing their very best to help facilitate the best choices possible. Parents are people too, and may not always know how to best handle a situation, but most parents are willing to work together with their t(w)een to figure it out!

When they seem mad, what else can be going on? (I sometimes refer to the "Tip of the Iceberg" phenomenon, meaning sometimes the frustration we may see from people is just the small part that is what they actually show us; usually much bigger feelings make up the bulk of the feelings under the surface...)

How can parents and other adults help? How can you best communicate to them that you need help? For example, parents may be thrown off by "venting" because they might see it as a call to action; after all, when we are little we share our problems often looking for a solution. Teens may be looking for solutions or even for parents to get involved, but other times they may simply be sharing. Learn to collaborate on clarifying about this.

6.) Adjusting to a New School! Academics and Other Stuff:

Tour the school ahead of time.

Meet teachers/counselors and find out who (and where) the key players are on campus.

Find out classes and electives (What are the options? Can you attend one in advance?)

Preview clubs/sports.

Meet fellow freshmen.

“See who’s been there/done that” - aka, meet students already at school or who have transitioned to high school.

What would you want to ask them???

Identify your support system at the school, whether it be with the administration, your friends, your family, an outside therapist, (or all of the above!), etc.

Get a taste of “high school life” - go to sporting events, plays, etc.

Get parents involved for support.

Parental Considerations:

Parents should explore their fears, questions, concerns, values, and even any hopes they'd nurtured not only for their child, but also for themselves when they made this transition themselves. Reflect on this, sit with it, and consider even journaling a bit... You can do your best work guiding and supporting when you are in your most insightful space. Additionally, you can use the "Student" section above as a tool to begin collaborating in this process - review the above material together!

In addition to simultaneously navigating all of the concepts listed above as your tween or teen works through these as well, there are a few additional tips for parents going through the transition to middle- or high school. Chalkbeat.org cites 7 key ways to prepare for the academic transitions which we have expanded on below, in addition to a few other helpful hints:

1.) Solving Logistics (practice locating and opening lockers, for example, or planning the most expedient route to class during passing periods).

2.) Letting students solve problems on their own; this is tough for many parents to see their child "fail forward"...

3.) Parents remain involved in student's lives but parents change how they are involved: make developmentally appropriate changes to the manner in which you intervene. Just because they are getting older doesn't mean you have no say, but this needs to be a fit with your child's skills, abilities, and development. You may even need to teach certain skills and allow the space to practice these.

4.) Establish Routines: check in on how your child organizes their lives and their time outside of school.

5.) Monitor Progress: Most schools provide information online, these days. This allows many students and parents alike to be aware of deadlines, assignments, and grades. Model boundaries for your child; in other words, utilize this tool while not checking constantly or panicking each time you do!

6.) Remain "in the know" about friends.

7.) Be on the lookout for red flags: These may include somatic symptoms like frequent stomach and headaches (though stay current with appointments with your physician to rule out any physiological concerns), school refusal, isolation, significant changes in personality, or in the extreme be aware of marks or scratches on arms and thighs, etc. that could indicate self-harm.

8.) Get to know what resources are available to parents, including checking out the school's website, considering getting to know any key administrative personnel or other parents for support, and checking out the campus.

9.) Setting Limits Surrounding Self-Care: Recognize that your teen is just getting to take more responsibility for their own self-care, and support this by experimenting with increased freedom and self-monitoring on their part while also setting expectations about the "non-negotiables." This includes healthy sleep, diet, and so forth.

10.) Setting Appropriate Limits and Expectations Across Environments: Set limits and expectations early on about responsibilities at home, at school, and with friends. These expectations and limits may have to do with freedoms/rewards, consequences, routines, and more.

11.) Maintain healthy, consistent communication about all topics. Keep them talking by being supportive, being a good listener, and using healthy communication techniques.

Between the sections above, you have some very helpful tools for students and parents both to navigate what feels like a daunting transition to many. This will help you both prepare for the middle and high school transitions!

For more information, please visit this blog as we add more installments on this topic and others! You can also receive more information by reaching out to Dr. Cynthia A. Levy at dr.cynthialevy@gmail.com, or obtain further contact information at www.beverlyhillspsychologicalcenter.com, (310) 626-1305.

It is important to recognize that this is not a substitute for therapy, nor does this initiate a patient/practitioner relationship in the official sense. This should not be considered medical/clinical/therapeutic advice, but rather should be regarded simply as opinions. Should you need further assistance or intervention, you may reach out to a professional in your area. Please note: in case of a medical emergency dial 911 or go to your local emergency room.